Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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