she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
