He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
