Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
