I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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