Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
she told me i tasted like america
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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