What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
