I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
