I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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