the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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