I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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