my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just pee around me
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
