we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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