My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
