Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
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she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
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And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
A bitchslap is in order.
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