I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
