So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
sex in a hospital.. check
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
