you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
