A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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