On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
