Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
