He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
