FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
