i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
