my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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