i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
