So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My bed smells like the plague
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