I wish my penis had an off switch
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
