Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
