I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
