Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
