i'm signing you up for texting rehab
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
