apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
