Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
