absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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