You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
