I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i will never coherently bang her
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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