"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
