the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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