I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
