My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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