apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
