Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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