The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
