When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
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he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
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Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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