go do what you do best...puke behind churches
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I am one with the molecules
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
