Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
