I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
