i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
