I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
