lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
