How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
