after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i love accidental penises.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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