I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
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You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
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But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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