my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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