Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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