spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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